I first met you when we were 13. When we were in Form One. I noticed you almost immediately. It was easy, because you were the cutest among them. Your oval-shaped glasses resting on a low point of your nose, and your dracula-teeth showing whenever you grin. You became the class monitor that year too. I spent the whole year having a silly crush on you. I somehow enjoyed talking to you even though you were so annoying! You'd beg for little favours and laugh over my mistakes and blunders.
We were in different classes after that, and I was not close to you anymore. Sure, I see you now and then around school, but you had a different clique. You got in with the 'in' group, getting busy with Leo Club and all. I remembered that however distant we were, you never snubbed me.
After graduation, we lost touch. Until about a year later that is. We both got retail jobs in the same shopping complex. So there we were, busy with our own jobs, but still managing the occassional 'hello' and short chats.
Then one day, I just heard that a few guys were heading over to your house to attend the funeral service. Your mom couldn't battle with her cancer any longer. You changed after that. But I guess, an incident as eventful as that would surely have left at least a dent even in the toughest heart. You were quieter and a little more serious.
You resigned shortly after, and you got a new job. I only picked up news about you from mutual friends. One of the last few times I've seen you again was during your birthday celebration. Su Yen, Marina and I bought you a pair of infant-shoes, which we strung up for you to hang by your car's rear-view mirror. The shoes were soft yellow and green. Marina was in charged of stringing it. She even complained how tough it was to force the needle through. And you laughed when you opened that package. You said you liked it. And you hung it up that very night.
I met you again shortly after that, but for the most devastating news. We had to coax you to come out for a drink that night. And you were laughing in the most sorrowful way. You seemed so strong, holding the news together.
I had to stop typing at this point, for the stream of tears are dripping onto my keyboard. The flow turned into sobs, because I am suddenly flooded with memories of you, your grin, your voice. I can even hear you inside my head now.
You avoided telling us that you too have cancer. And in that confrontation, you laughed at how we were trying to not cry on the spot when you confirmed that horrible rumour we've heard.
When it got a bit serious, you headed to Penang for treatment. During that time, you and I got closer than ever, because of your constant calls and sms. You did not try to hide your suffering anymore. You were very honest and told me how badly affected you were. You lost your appetite and you were nauseous most of the time. You threw up a few times, and you even started losing hair. Your eyebrow used to be so thick and dark, but that too fell victim to the treatment.
I never got to tell you this. I thought you were very, very brave to have faced all those painful treatment. I still think you are. You really are.
You called me to tell me that you were coming home, because the doctor told you that the cancer cells had been cleared, but with a chance of returning. You were coming home!
We met up for lunch. You, me, and Siew Lee. And I saw you for the first time since your treatment affected you. I could only hide my surprise behind my smile. You shaved you head, your eyebrows were almost gone, and you were thin. Very thin. The shirt you were wearing made you looked afloat. But you were still very much yourself. Over lunch, we laughed, we joked, and we updated each other. We had pizza that day.
That was the last time I remember seeing you alive.
We kept contact over the phone after that. And it wasn't long before I got the news that the frequent pain you felt in your bones were actually signs that the cancer cells have gone to your bones. And your liver was affected too.
Having to fight it once was tough. But you were thrown into the deep end when you have to fight them again. Only this time, they got you instead.
I was so absorbed into work then that I barely had the time to call you. I am sorry. The fight must have been so lonely, and I have been such a lousy friend. I was so selfish to get on with my life that I put you aside. I left you alone at the time you needed a friend the most. I am so sorry. But I know, no amount of sorry will ever make up for my selfishness. I am sorry, Vincent. Please forgive me.
I sent you a text message about two weeks before the dreaded day. I had asked you how you were doing. I complained about having to work long hours and that I was bored and tired. Your reply came to me as a shock initially.
You said, "Stop complaining. At least you have a job, at least you are still alive."
Those were your last words to me.
I was woken up by a sms from Marina. It simply said, "Vincent passed away". Siew Lee who was in Australia then called in right after that. She was sobbing and like me, was in disbelief. I could still console her to not think so much, that there was nothing we could have done.
It was only after ending that call that the truth started to sink in to me. It was then that my tears started coming in slowly. Sobs started coming in when I realized that that sms was the last thing you will ever say to me.
Your funeral became our first high school reunion. Few of us went together. We went to buy you a basket of flowers first. It was nicely and simply arranged with big yellow chrysanthemum flowers. While waiting for the arrangement to be done, the shopkeeper asked us who the flowers were for. I held back tears as I quietly answered, "A friend". She handed me the blank message card. And my hands trembled as I wrote.
We turned into your street, but neither of us found the courage to get down from the car. When we did, we walked in slowly. We met your brother, and your father. We paid our respect and I placed the basket on your coffin slowly. Tears were just held back because it was said that we should never mourn near the dead. It makes it harder for them to move on.
Marina and I walked away instead of looking into your coffin. I guess none of us had that strength and courage to. We sat opposite your house and I noticed how your funeral helped many of us ex-schoolmates found each other again. My eyes soon got distracted by a big brown moth hovering around. I wondered if that was you in any way.
Finally, we decided to take leave. And I felt that I would regret if I do not see you one last time. Gathering all the courage I have never known that I have, I walked forward and looked in. You looked really handsome in the suit despite the traces of those months of cruel treatment and death itself.
I said my goodbye then. I did not shed a single tear, but I smiled at you. Though you would never have smiled back then.
Right after I turned away, I just fell to my knees and broke into tears again. Knowing that I will never be able to say that I am sorry for leaving you alone.
But you left me with a message so strong, that it lives in me now. Your departure changed my outlook on life. You helped me through certain hardships with just that message.
It's been four years now. I never will get to thank you for that priceless lesson. But I will share with as many people as I know.
So till we meet again, Vincent Fong, Fong Wei Sheng... I will remember you with smiles and laughter, just as how I hope you will remember each of us.
"We're each a leg of a tripod. Without any one of us, we wouldn't even stand."
