I've been floating in a state of limbo for what seems like years and months. Oh wait. It has been.
I let go of my grip on sanity one night, on 28th December 2010, to be exact. Though all I did was to fill in an online form, but that was it. Of all forms, I filled up the application for a cadet pilot. I was well aware that it wasn't a page navigation error, I was not under the influence of alcohol nor was I drugged. I was just fueled by a very tired feeling.
I was tired of being the old broken me.
The months of drinking and self-hate had to come to a stop. I had to wake up to see that I suffered a failed relationship. And that it went on to a state where I doubted myself. The only one thing I was convinced of was that I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Was I?
Being a pilot was an idea I started toying in my mind some time back, when I realized that flying was not all that. The buttons, the knobs, and even the screws, nuts, bolts and latches of the aircraft each held their own purpose. And to each, I was in awe of how their size could lift a big metal bird into the skies when out together in their right places. That got me questioning whether I was in the right place. Or I could go further. It took me more than a couple of years into flying to just see the beauty of flying.
To a normal person, it can seem like the whole flying idea, and pilots are just over-rated. It does seem like it's any other job out there.
Flying is a passion. Being a pilot is a profession.
And I wish want to fly.
What will it take for me to grow my wings and take flight? What was my first step?
The cadet pilot application. THE.cadet.pilot.application.
My fingers trembled at the clicking of the Submit button. I felt the mix of emotions, all the fear, worry and excitement flowing through my body.
So, I clicked on the button. Okay...Done. Erm... now what?
Little had I known of my journey the next three years. The ideal picture was very quickly smeared and eventually erased.
I was told that I had two months to prepare. And in my silly little mind, I had two major subjects to conquer. Not going to be easy, that I already had it embedded into my cranium. But never in my wildest dreams, I thought I'd see myself studying in that intensity. I had to buy the books I needed (okay, so I went a tad over-board with over RM150 worth of revision books, work books and reference materials... but it was all going to be worth it.)
Naturally, when I learnt that I would actually only have 35 days to be exact for my preparation, I went dived into panic mode. Initially, I had the plan to cover one subject with one month. Seems feasible and achievable.
I have always been blessed with good affinity with angels walking on Earth. I had Leena and Krish who sat with me through hours of studies and explanation. Occasionally, the twins Vinod and Vikaas joined in, but never lack of moral support.
I had to pack study materials for my night stops and many a times, I could only watch my crew go on their mini breaks and excursions during the stay.
On 21st January, I was told that my assessment would be a good 12 days away. Great. I was one topic away from completing Physics. And I haven't even gotten to opening the books on Maths. Great. I could smell the results already. In panic, my study plans went right out the window of my mind. What study plan? The ONLY thing I could do was... STUDY!
3rd February. I find myself walking into the main hall in the Academy in total blankness. I smiled where I could. And oh boy, it was like SPM all over again, where I'm in a big hall, with rows of tables and chairs.
There were English (no room spared to worry), Physics (felt manageable), followed by Maths (let's not even go there) and lastly, the IQ test.
The what....?
I opened the paper. It was a two sheet question paper. Subjective. There are no As, Bs, Cs or Ds to choose from.
Wait. a. minute. What the ^%#$&! is this...? I had 20 questions in my hand, 30 mins on the clock and already I have spent 10 good precious minutes trying to make sense of the papers. How much is what when what is what again? How old is who when who is..... whaaaattt???????
By the time I finished that paper, alright...perhaps 'finished' can't cover it since more than half the questions were covered with point-blank bullets. But anyway, by the time I was done, and time was up, I walked away with a renewed vocabulary on multilingual cursed words.
I waited in agony and anxiety for about 2 weeks, until I started getting news that others in that same assessment have been receiving their results via email. Refreshed every few minutes, I found that my inbox was not going to show me what I want.
I had to make a call. And as expected, I failed to make the cut. Or as how it was phrased to me, "Hey bit*h, you f*cked it up lah,"....
Okay lah, fail is a fail, no denying. What else can I expect?
It's okay. Time to plan on my second attempt. And second try, I will!
